The Last Layoff Story   

To tell the truth, I probably should have seen the train coming when my editor asked in late March if I would be writing another layoff story for May.

"Nah," I replied. "I've pretty much said everything there is to say on the subject, and besides, it's pretty much over."

Man, was I wrong. For four months I had been covering the great layoff crisis of 2001, resulting in three articles and one "how to implement a termination meeting" checklist for Workforce magazine. Then, not two weeks later, fate gave in to temptation, plopped down on the side of my excruciatingly disheveled desk and said, "Hi. We need to talk."

At the particular moment it happened, I was welcoming any distraction from the riveting "Trends in Employee Referral Programs" article I had been writing, so I was fairly cheery when the publisher summoned me to her office. That cheer faded when I saw the obviously-not-pleased look on the editor's face. The words I had used in print faded into the background as the publisher spoke, eventually condensing into the sounds the adults make in the Charlie Brown cartoons. Wah wah, wah wah, had anticipated growth. Wah wah, wah, wah, severance pay. Wah wah, COBRA.

My heart sunk into my stomach for a moment and blind panic overtook me until I saw that the severance pay was, indeed, decent. And then, a different part of my brain took over and the scene flashed back like a movie. It was like I was floating above the office, reading the checklist I'd written a month earlier. "Do invite the employee to sit down." Check. "Do get right to the point." Check. "Do explain the actions taken and the reasons for them." That must have been the Charlie Brown noises. Check.

By this point I'm giggling lightly to myself. "What's so funny?" asked the publisher, incredulously, perhaps wary that I was, indeed, about to go postal. "Oh, nothing," I said, still giggling. "It's just that I'm living one of my stories." The publisher and editor both laughed nervously, but my brain was racing through my articles. "Unemployment only up .3%." "Fifty percent of recently downsized found work in less than five weeks." "More jobs created than are being cut." That stuff. But, really, those numbers only salve the conscience of the downsizer, and while I take back nothing I've written, nor bear ill will, my last, expert opinion on the subject is an unequivocal, "this sucks."