Too Trite and So True   

"The 100 Worst Groaners" is an apt name for a page on www.newswriting.com that lists a plethora of broadcast writing clichés. But the blunt and humorous descriptions of these script no-nos, written by site owner Abe Rosenberg, will make you laugh while you learn. A writing coach with 22 years of newswriting experience for New York and Los Angeles stations, as well as CNN, Rosenberg aims to clean up and pep up what anchors feed the audience. His groaners could also make great TV-news parody skits. For example:

Area residents --"Shhh, Tommy, don't play the drums so loud, you'll wake the area residents!" Normal people don't refer to their neighbors this way. Why should we?

Botched Robbery, Robbery Gone Bad --Like "unsuccessful suicide," this is just plain silly. If some punk tries to rip off a 7-Eleven, and the cops show up, so he takes hostages, that's not a "robbery gone bad." It was bad at the start. We don't need to feel sorry for the idiot who "botched" his chance to empty the cash register and decided to become a kidnapper. Let's just say what happened, and leave the judgments to the folks watching.

Clean Bill of Health --(Ever see a dirty one?) This little gem barely qualifies as conversational, even for a trip to the doctor's office. (What's wrong with "The doctor says he's fine"?) It sounds flat-out ridiculous for bigger, less specific things, like the state of the economy. So, until you see George Clooney wrapping a blood pressure cuff around Wall Street...

Death toll --A silly way to refer to the number of dead. Does someone ring a heavenly bell every time a person dies? Does a heavenly nickel get dropped in the fare box on some celestial highway? Maybe "up there." Down here we speak plain English.

Fled on Foot --Coptalk for "ran away." No coptalk allowed.

For The Second Time In As Many Days --Bad enough we bore folks. Now we're making them do math. Ten years ago, someone must have thought this phrase was clever. Overuse has taken care of that. Simplicity and clarity rule today. If there were two earthquakes in two days, say so.

Mastermind --Anytime there's more than one mugger/bank robber/con artist working together, we reward the guy in charge with this silly title, instead of just saying he planned the crime. Look, Professor Moriarty outwitting Sherlock Holmes, that's a mastermind. Some creep who sticks a gun in a teller's face...no way.

Motorists --Where have all the drivers gone? Don't fall into the DMV Handbook trap.

The Nation's Midsection --As opposed to The Nation's Hind Quarters? The Nation's Solar Plexus? The Nation's Erogenous Zones? Can you think of a dumber way to say it's raining in Chicago?

On Hand, On The Scene --Silly, outmoded jargon for "there." How many of your friends talk this way? "Hey, Pete! I went to this party, and guess what? Tom Hanks was on hand!"

Recent memory --"It's the bloodiest massacre in recent memory." Admit it. Why do you say "recent memory"? Because you don't remember! You don't know if it's the worst disaster in 10 years, 15 years or 45 minutes! But you don't want to tell your viewers that, so you fudge. All you're really doing is telling them how bad your research staff is. If you don't know the right number, go find out, or find another way to tell the story.

Slated --Maybe once upon a time, frequent, regularly scheduled events like rallies, movie openings and Larry King weddings were written on slates. Not these days. What's wrong with saying, "The protest will take place on Tuesday"?

Under Siege --When the Israelites surround ancient Jericho, you can call it a siege. But why must writers turn every political, economic or social problem into Custer's Last Stand? When President Clinton is in trouble, let's tell folks what the trouble is, and skip the cheap hyperbole.

Watched in horror --Folks who happen to see a murder/earthquake/Wes Craven movie don't watch in joy, mirth or indifference (well, maybe the movie), so why state the obvious? And why use such an overdone cliché to make an obvious point?

White Stuff --Is there some law against saying "snow" twice? If there were, the song would go, "Let it White Stuff, Let it White Stuff...." You get the idea. One enlightened executive producer in Los Angeles put out a memo forbidding writers to use this term. Bless her heart.